So what makes a great snake movie? What makes it stand out? Could it be the crazy unfathomable plot? Perhaps it is the blonde bombshell scientist....with a heart? Or is it the crazy snake that looks like it was made with Sega Genesis graphics? Is it the lack of a coherent story, a satisfying ending, or the utter randomness of events?
Friends. It's all of the above. Here we go!
10 - Anacondas: The hunt for the Blood Orchid
Tagline: The hunters will become the hunted
Good things: Beautiful dialogue, black guy screaming all the time, cocky confidant white guy that gets eaten first, creative plot (they're hunting for some flower which provides the secret to the fountain of youth), diverse Benetton-like/United Nations cast. And a shitload of man eating anacondas!
Bad things: Movie that it took itself too seriously. I don't like that. Everyone is so angry.
9 - Vipers
Tagline: First comes the slither, then comes the slaughter
Good things: If you have a bunch of scientists making some killer vipers in a lab...whats the next best thing that could happen? That's right. The snakes escape and start killing townspeople. Plus having Tara Reid around doesn't hurt.
Bad things: Gives us scientists a bad name. We're not that awkward
7 - Anaconda
Tagline: You can't scream if you can't breathe.
Good things: Ice Cube, Jennifer Lopez, Jon Voight, Owen Wilson
Bad things: Ummm - Does Jon Voight actually think he's going to get an Oscar for this garbage if he tries really hard?
6 - Boa vs Python
Tagline: Two Reptilian Killing Machines Face Off To Fight To The Death-With Humanity As The Prize.
Good things: Oh my goodness! A giant python has escaped! What can we do? Well...I'm no genius but let's send this giant Boa after it!!
Bad things: Too many twists in the story. Can you believe that the python and the boa were of the opposite sex? Couldn't the hottie scientist lady figure that out before. Instead of killing each other, the snakes mate. And guess what? More snakes!
4 - Snakes on a Plane
Tagline: Sit back. Relax. Enjoy the fright.
Good things: Given me more party quotes than Shakespeare
Bad things: Why do snakes like penises so much?
3 - Anaconda III
Tagline: They Can Taste Your Fear
Good things: David Hasselhof
Bad things: David Hasselhof
2 - The Snake King
Tagline: Eternal life is guarded by certain death
Good things: A newly discovered tribe of a hybrid between Aborigines, native Americans, and Italians guard the fountain of youth, which in turn is guarded by a 5 headed snake, who in turn guards something else...I'm not really sure. In 5000 years, this tribe has never encountered anyone. But quick learners of English.
Bad things: So many holes, so many unanswered questions....yet so much potential. Sigh!
1 - Python II
Tagline: The beast is back
Good things: Shows that a sequel can actually get better. But you have mix in a random lesbian scene first...
Bad things: I tried my best. I couldn't find anything wrong. This movie is phenomenal.
Yeah. I've only seen 8. That'll do.